100 Business Days Out: Day 82 - Small Things

I remain amazed at how when your brain has room in it (like when you aren't stressed, aren't up against a deadline, or aren't all-consumed with one thing) that you can see the small things in life. Of course they are there all the time but the perspective is different when the foreground never lets you see in to the background. What brought me to this today was the realization that tonight at 9:00pm that it was dark. How could that be when just yesterday, it seemed, it was still light at 9:30pm. The days are getting shorter already which means that the summer is passing and that we will be heading home in less than a month. Even the light is starting to change with the mornings becoming a little crisper. It's hard to see the small changes in life when we let them speed past us. When we slow it down, we can start to see the increments that make up the bigger picture. And when we can do that, then we can start to appreciate and make the most of the here and now. How many times do we blink and the day is gone? We say, where did the day go? Meetings blend from one to another and conversations we had in the morning seem like distant memories by the end of the day. If I learn anything from this time away and out, is that turnning down the speed of a day by a notch or two is well worth it. Taking a moment or two from the day to stop and reflect makes the day much more clear. Marking time by things we want to remember and appreciate is just a better way. I mark this day as a bit shorter than yesterday and a little longer than tomorrow, which means I have to make even more of tomorrow than today, one small thing after another.

100 Business Days Out: Day 81 - Word from Home

Today I felt the call from home reaching out. I had two phone conversations with friends/associates back home and also friends of ours from home who have been vacationing on the east coast with their family in Mystic (about 20 minutes from here) stopped by for lunch. All of the conversations centered around things that were happening back home with work, other friends, activities, charities. etc. My friend Jeff Brown as we got off the phone, said, "sure wish you were coming back home sooner". I was touched and was recognizing the call from home being more deeply centered in me that I imagined. When you live in an area where you don't have family, you don't have children, and your work doesn't hold you there, you make the decision to live somewhere because of the environment, yes, but also more importantly because of the people who you have in your lives. For me, this would be the friends I have cultivated from jobs, charitable organizations, my church, my running, and a few others who we have met along the way. As it is in life, a few are really close friends and others are more acquaintances, but they, in totality, remain an anchoring element for us to live in the Bay Area. This past week I got a call from one of the closest friends we have letting us know that they were going to be leaving the Bay Area to follow a job in Boston. It's a great job and the right career move so it is hard to fault them for this, but this word from home was not a good one as it removed a piece of the tethering to the Bay Area for us. So today was a good day to hear and see others from home and to hear the words wanting us to come home soon. Home is where the heart is, that is true but home is also where those who are in your heart are. So, for me because the grea friends I have, the return to home is one that I can greatly anticipate and look forward.

100 Business Days Out: Day 80 - Become v. Do

As part of the journey I am on, I have been diving deeper into the advancement of my spiritual life. I felt that going into this "dormant" period that this was an awesome opportunity to spend more time reading my Bible, praying and studying. As part of my study time I picked up the book; Experiencing God by Blackaby. It's a daily workbook format that takes you through a set of learnings that open your eyes to how you are living and how to find the will of God in your life. The lesson unit I am in now has to do with how do you know when God might be speaking to you and today there was a profound statement that I read that I think applies to lots of things in our lives. The statement was: "God cares about what you become, not what you do". As I meditated and contemplated that thought, it struck me that this truth carries over into all facets of our lives, including our work life. As I refelct on the successes or failures in my work, the successes were really rooted in how things got done and what we as a team or I as an individual became from the experience, not in just what got done. In fact, when only focused on what could get done, typically what happened was that the process got messed up and the "how" got forgotten and there were negative ramifications. As I spend this time that I have, working towards what I can become as a fulfilled and whole human being it is true that this is far more important than what it is that I "do". This seems an important lesson for all of us that we must daily remember for what we "become" is built on a series of events, responses and actions that we take....daily. And like anything that is built over time, each and every step along the way is just as important as the overall result. Such are the lives we live and what can or won't become.

100 Business Days Out: Day 79 - Randy Pausch

The day after Tim Russert died, I stopped and reflected on him. The same should be done for Randy Pausch after his death on Friday. I never knew Tim Russert, although I felt like I did on TV. When he died unexpectedly, it came as a shock to the country (and world) and tributes poured in from all over. His death sent waves through me and others that I know as we have talked about him a number of times since his death. I did know Randy Pausch. I was a part of the team who brought him to EA where he spent his last sabbatical time doing research for us on what would be the best course curriculum on how to teach someone to make videogames. In his "Last Lecture" he mentions about how after a few days at EA someone came in and told him that EA had made a decision to make a large donation to another university to fund their game development program (USC). That person was me. I remember distinctly how Randy handled that conversation. He was not happy. He was mad. But he was not angry. What I mean about that difference was that he channeled his emotions and immediately began putting to work what he could do to make the situation different. In a manner of minutes he had planned how he and I should go meet with the President of Carnegie-Mellon for me to explain the situation (the situation being that we/he didn't want to be pulled back to CMU because the university officials would think that he is wasting his time at EA) and what EA could still do with CMU in the future. Later we did take that trip and it was a good meeting and one that did lead to other ventures with CMU and EA, and saved face for Randy. What was so striking to me when I first say Randy's Last Lecture (and the subsequent global outpouring that he received) was that he approached his death just like he did our meeting of bad news. He got mad, not angry, and then accepted it and channeled the energy into doing something better to change the course. In his death (or last celebration days of life) he touched many many people around the world. People who never knew him, but felt like they did now. He was a remarkable man. And, like Tim Russert, for how human understanding of how things are supposed to work, was taken too soon. But, one never knows what they are put here for and sometimes may never know. For like Tim and Randy, it is in their deaths that so many others have learned so much and will likely live their own lives to a fuller degree because of the way they closed the last chapter of their own lives. Both premature, but both chocked full of life lessons and examples for others to follow long after they are gone. Thank you Randy Pausch for being who you were. I am better and proud to have known you.

100 Business Days Out: Day 78 - One Way Ticket?

Today I met a neighbor here in Quonnie. Great guy who I would say is in his late 50's maybe early 60's. Looks physically like he could be in his early 50's. As I learned a little bit about him, I found out that he retired from being a CEO in 1995 and never looked back. He sits on a few private company boards and does some private equity work. He splits the year here in Rhode Island with his home in Florida. He asked me point blank, "what are your plans?". I was ready for it as I know I still don't have a good answer. But, as I listened to him talk about how he manages his life and interests, it did make me think about whether or not I really do need a round-trip ticket back into the work world or am I okay holding on to the one-way ticket out for awhile? My talk with another friend a week plus or so (I mentioned this in an earlier entry) was about how shocking the reentry will be when I return home. I have been thinking a lot about this as well. As I write this right now it's almost impossible to envision myself back at one job 60-70 hours a week. But, that will change, right? Everyone says you get bored and want to go back. But, I am far from bored. I find that I am very busy and haven't been able to read all the books I wanted, listen to all the CDs, write everything that is in my head, start the projects that I want to complete, or spend all the time with friends and family that needs to be spent. There's just not been enough time yet. I am rambling I know, but it's part of the process for sure to ramble through the thoughts in my head and try and sort out what is what and which way to go next. It's a jumbled up thing. But as I write right now, I get better and better each day with only holding this one-way ticket that I have now.

100 Business Days Out: Day 77 - 30 Days Away

Today we makred 30 days here on the east coast. Suffice to say that time flies. It has not been all fun times in the first 30 days with Louie in and out of the hospital (the outcome still not resolved...we are to see a specialist on Monday) but all in all, 30 days at the beach with the ocean outside of your window marking the time hour after hour with the waves continously crashing to shore, having friends and family visit and be here, exercising when and where I want, reading, writing,and spending time with Patti, is all pretty good. There is something different about an extended time away from home that is kind of like a foreign language. You can learn certain words and have a feel for the language but until you can think it and be fluent, you miss most of the meaning. The same can be said for an experience like being away from home for 30 days plus. It's more than a vacation or a "get-away". You actually get into a different flow and feel. You find a new groove and it starts to become a part of who you are. And if it is good, then that groove just builds on itself and you fall right into it. I always wanted to just spend 30 days away and even though it was not the total seclusion that I used to say I wanted, it has been pretty awesome so far and another 45 to go.

100 Business Days Out: Day 76 - Rainy Day Books

The rains finally came today. It has been nearly a month without rain and finally today the clouds burst open with buckets of torrential rain. You could almost hear the ground and the plants sucking in and celebrating its arrival. For us, it was a forced inside, break the routine kind of day. No beach for sure and the storms were bad enough that it didn't seem prudent to venture out too far from the house. So we confined ourselves and looked for other ways to occupy our time. I caught up on some very tardy response emails and phone calls and as chance would have it, I was finishing up one book (which had been laborious) and was beginning another hard read and it was just the day for it. The only thing disturbance was the clinking and kerplunking of the rain drops on the window sills. I don't know how long I got, but it was over a couple of hours of just sitting and uninterrupted reading. As I reflected on this, I realized that it has been a long time since I have had one of these days. When you live in Northern California the rainy days only come November - April and if you work then you have to look for one of these days to come on a weekend and of course the weekends are too busy so you never take the time to just sit and read a book. But, today, here on the east coast where it can rain in the summer, I did and it was great. Someone said (and I am butchering even the paraphrase) "that no boat takes you as far off shore and into the sea as a good book". It is so true. There are times that my mind gets more clearing and I am able to shove more mind "stuff" to the back, because I am engrossed in a great read. A typical year for me of reading (I catalog every book I read each year) is somewhere around 20 books. This year will be higher and even better because the "density" of the reading is much greater. Reading as we all know is great for the mind, the vocabulary and the thought process. But, it's also a gift to be not forgotten and a perfect way to just wile away a rainy day.

100 Business Days Out: Day 75 - The Bell Lap

If this was 8/08/08 and the Olympics were in full swing then "the bell lap" would be more top of mind. But, since we are close, I will jump ahead and use the metaphor. This is day 75 of my 100 Business Days Out. If I was running the mile (or 1500 meters) I would be hearing the bell ring as I completed the third of four laps. That is the bell lap. So, here I am heading into the final 25 days business days out and how do I feel? As succinctly as I can put it would be: fear and anxiety have been replaced with contentment and rest. I can honestly say that I have moved from the stage of worry about what is next into now being at peace with not knowing. Of course that could be that I am relishing the schedule of the retiree. I know that is so because I feel infringed upon when something invades the schedule. I also know that I feel much better about the divorce of self worth and work. That is not all gone yet, but nearly. And, what a struggle that has been for me. For anyone who I ever counseled and told them that they could not let the two of these become interwoven, I was right, but I was not coming from a place of where I was practicing what I preached. Now, I can authentically say that I know the struggle that this causes. I have a friend who years ago went through a tough loss of his very senior position in a very big and high profile corporation. Since then he has bounced from one start up to another and tried his hand at his own thing a few times. Along the way he has had some real personal and family struggles. After all of this, I wish I had been there for him to help him see, what may have been the underlying issue that his self-worth and the big company title (and the trappings that came with it) was not who he was and that he was okay to be who he was without the rest of the stuff. I now go into my bell lap not afraid of what might or more likely will not be there for me on the other side. As you know, I am a runner and one of the things I learned a long time ago is that in the bell lap, you give it your all and you don't leave anything on the track. You have to cross the finish line with all you have. For me that means hunkering down even more to spend this precious time I have to learn as much as I can about myself, find the peace and rest I so desired, rekindle and brighten flickering relationships and keep my self-worth as far away from work as I can. May I continually hear the bell loud and clear on this last lap.

100 Business Days Out: Day 74 - Empty House

After the Murabitos left this morning we had the house to just the three of us (Patti, Louie and me) for the first time in a couple of weeks. How quiet and lonely it quickly felt. We have come here for some rest and quiet and found that we have been setting up the house or entertaining non-stop. And then when it comes to a halt it is a mini look at the bigger picture of my 100 Business Days Out. What I am learning about myself (among many other things) is that I am just wired for activity. It's in my DNA to be setting up the next thing and then getting it going and then experiencing it and then on to the next thing. And so while I am not doing it in the same way as the bigger working model, I am going about the summer in similar fashion and getting the same lost feeling in the slow and downtimes. That is the challenge to overcome I believe. How is it that I (and maybe all the work-aholics) can find it okay within ourselves when the music stops? We really don't have to go scramble for a chair. It's okay to be still and silent until the music starts back up again. And even better in those times that we find the needed rest and recharging. But, who I am to call the kettle black? If one can't get used to the stillness of an empty house, then how can I truly accept the peace that comes with it? It's just hard to let go. Really hard.

100 Business Days Out: Day 73 - Neither Time Nor Distance...

It's a great quote from the movie The Big Chill about friendships. As they parted from the unfortunate reunion they staked their friendships as ones that could not be marred by "neither time nor distance". The sad fact is that none of us have enough friends that we can say that about. Time takes its toll as we go through the years and go through our separate lives. Distance is a killer as the complexities of our lives don't allow for us to hop on planes or take road trips for the weekends like we used to. So time and distance dilute and destroy the friendships that we once thought were so strong. Today (and yesterday) and on through the weekend we are pushing back. John and Tammy Murabito have driven up from Philadelphia with their daughter Florence to stay with us through Sunday. I have seen John a couple of times over the last few years but Patti hasn't seen either of them since the Millennium when we spent New Years with them and the Newtons in a rented cabin in Gatlinburg, TN. (we wanted to be in the woods in case the world ended...or something like that). That was over eight years ago. And before that we spent a lot of time together visiting back and forth when we didn't live in the same town. But let me tell you here and now...it is true, neither time nor distance can get in the was of the best of friends. Since they arrived it has been like no time nor distance ever passed. Of course we have spent time "catching up". How could you not when eight years have passed but the true test of friendship is how fast that time gets covered and you are back into the present and the future. For us, it was one night and now it is like we never missed a beat. We have all had this happen to us. Guys especially I notice feel this way. We can get together with our college buddies after years and years and pick right back up the conversation. It's not always much more than superficial conversations but it does continue where it left off. What this says to me is that it is the way we are wired to be able to do this. And while not with everyone, the best of friends can do it and do it easily. However, there is a bad side to this as well. Because we know we can do it, we take it for granted and we abuse the fact that there will be another tomorrow. That's where we need to challenge ourselves and a challenge I have given myself today. While neither time nor distance may get in the way of the best of friends, time is not a constant. We are living on borrowed time and we may not have that many more chances to be in the here and now with those we care about and love. Look around and think about the number of people you know who are sick, have cancer, or are not able to do what they once did. It's more and more every year that we live...it's just part of aging. And while aging is a great alternative to the other choice, we need to seize the opportunities we have to share our time with the closest friends we have so that we can say that we just didn't let time nor distance get in the way. Maybe if not for this time I have, I might have not internalized this life lesson.