10/18/10 Update:
Since originally writing this post, I have done some more investigating and this week we had a breakthrough. The neighbor across the street cleared out and trimmed their bushes and these filled blue bags were found thrown deep into the bushes. As we can see, these are the quickly identifiable blue bags of the New York Times, the same paper that goes missing on any given day from my front gate. This morning's paper was stolen. It could be that any one of the bags from this picture could have been filled this morning. A better detective might have felt for the warmest of the bags, but I thought better of it. This update is to just let the culprit know that I am on to your M.O.. You steal my paper, give the dog the signal, he/she fills in close range to the house and then you walk home with Tom Friedman and All the News Fit To Print without a bag. We are circling in on you and one day, when you least expect it, you will be exposed!
Originally posted: 1/11/10
My wife and I live in an affluent neighborhood in the Bay Area of California. By virtue of this, we live in one of the more affluent neighborhoods in the country. We have a gate on our house. It's a nice place to live and one of those areas where crime is not something that is top of mind. Which makes it even more curious to me why and who steals my New York Times in the mornings? This has been occurring now for over a year and it has necessitated having the paper carrier (who has been a delight through this) to make sure the the paper gets slid under or thrown over the gate. I am befuddled as to who and why someone wants to steal my paper. So, this has me working to profile who the culprit might be:
-I think it is a man. I have no reason to know why I think this, other than I have always had a hard time seeing a woman committing crimes. I shouldn't really be so naive as I was recently conned by a woman outside of a hotel in Rochester, NY on a snowy night who needed money to buy gas to drive 50 miles. It was New Years Eve and snowing and blowing at 10 degrees. What was I supposed to do? The hotel receptionist said it is a common scam in their area. So, women do commit crimes, but would a woman really steal my newspaper? I don't think so, so for that thin reasoning, I think it is a man.
-He is either an insomniac or he goes to bed early at night. I know this because the New York Times is delivered to us between 4:30AM and 5:00AM. I go out and retrieve the paper around 5:30AM and it is already gone by then. To be out on the streets before 5AM, he must go to bed by 8:30AM to get his eight hours of sleep.
-He knows axioms and may repeat these to others. I know this because he is an early riser and he must be following the axiom that the early bird gets the worm...or in this case the stolen paper.
-He's at least a little if not well overweight. I think I know this because it doesn't happen every day. There is no rhyme or reason to the days, which tells me that he doesn't work out every day and is not consistent in his exercise routine.
-He's a walker, not a runner. Runners don't like to carry things while they are running, so unless he lives within a few hundred yards, carrying the New York Times any further is a pain.
-He's not an early technology adopter. If he was, he would already have a Kindle or some type of e-reader and be downloading the New York Times Daily.
-He's a political liberal or left-leaning moderate. I know this because, why else would he want the New York Times? Otherwise, he would be seeking out someone where he could steal the Wall Street Journal.
-He's literate. I know that because he never steals our San Francisco Chronicle that is lying right next to the New York Times.
-He doesn't do crossword puzzles. If he did, he would steal the paper everyday and he would for sure take the Sunday paper, which he never does.
-Finally, he has a clean lawn. I know this because everything we are told is that people don't read newsprint anymore and that it is a dying medium. So, if that is the case, then he must have a dog and he has a poop-free lawn. You know, those blue bags are the best!
These are the clues I have so far. If you have any ideas for us on who it might be, please pass them along to me. They don't think this is an important enough crime for that COPS or that America's Most Wanted Show, but we all watch enough CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, and Cold Case that we ought to be able to figure out this very, very serious crime.
Thank You for your help.
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2 comments:
Today I drove to the gym at 5AM and almost stopped in front of your house. I was going to put a note in your newspaper to say: If you ever want to see your paper again, take this blog down!
But it was raining.
Any bottles in the bushes?
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